I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
