Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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