For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
