saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
