Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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