Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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