The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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