So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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