I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
