Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
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