I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
