I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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