I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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