The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
