quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
