I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
