he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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