Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
well you can't waste a boner
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
