Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I want to make a zoo with you.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
