I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
