We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
