You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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