i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
