I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
