omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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