New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
