Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
