My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
