New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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