Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
