Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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