My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize