Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
