She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You pole danced in your parka.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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