just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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