alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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