I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
