Kiss
Puke
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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