Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize