I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
