I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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