I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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