the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
