Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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