We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
