mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
