Cold hands, warm shart.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
