Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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