I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
