whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
