i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
