There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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