god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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