It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
