i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
