An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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