i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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