New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
