I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
