Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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