I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
