Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Need sex. Gaining weight.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize