Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
